Greetings everyone. My name is Ambyr. Today I start a blog. It’s my first one, so be gentle, please. The reason why I’m blogging is because I’m fighting some inner demons named Anxiety, Depression, ADHD, PTSD, and Emotional Imbalance. I’m blogging to share my journey of healing, my strengths, my falls….my story. For those of you who who are fighting demons as well, please, join in the conversation. Share your stories. Share your resources. Share your triumphs, your successes, your trails, and your falls. Let’s all help each other…tor the road we walk is a dark, treacherous, lonely one, and having company sometimes makes the journey a little easier. We will all get through this…together.
The first thing that I’m going to say to you, is if you haven’t found a reason for fighting, find it. There are reasons all around you, even if the only reason is that the world’s ecosystem will be thrown a tiny bit out of balance if you don’t exist anymore. YOU are needed. YOU matter. Your story may inspire someone else to seek healing. So, please, find your reason to fight. My reason is my family. I have a wonderful, loving fiance whom I will be making my husband in 11 months. And his daughter is my best friend in the whole world. Without them, I would not be here today, and they are the reason why I continue to fight.
This is something I wrote this morning. I’ll leave it here for you.
Friday, June 12th, 2015
It’s funny what triggers my flashbacks. I can hear someone allude to an attack, or even talk about it, and nothing. But to hear the simple word “molested” sends me into the nightmare all over again. It was hard, super intense, and mercifully quick. But the feelings of fear, terror, hatred, and disgust have stayed with me….4 hours later. I don’t know what to call the stage of the healing process is, where you question the “why?”, but I’m there. Why didn’t he listen to me? Why didn’t he stop? I told him, over and over, to “Stop!”, “Go away!”, “Leave me alone!”, and “Don’t touch me!”…but he didn’t listen. Why did he do it? Why, why, WHY!? Why did it happen to me? I hate to sound selfish like that, but I wonder that over and over. Why me? And why wasn’t it stopped? I love my mother, but a part of me asks why she didn’t protect me. Another part of me says, it’s because she didn’t know. But still…she’s my mother, I was 4, and I was crying out for help.
I can still hear my younger self in my head, just screaming…there’s nothing I can do to quiet her, she’s in utter hysterics…I wish I knew what I could do to help her…I wish I wasn’t alone in this…I hate this, this being scared all the fucking time, of nothing but my own memories…how fucking messed up is that?! I have normal fears, you know, spiders, being alone in life, my loved ones leaving me…these are all things that I would view as “normal”. Then I have some stranger fears: mainly mummies, bodies wrapped up…and then I have my terrors: the abuse. It’s the one thing that terrifies me most of all. What happened was horrific. Why do I have to relive it?? The worst is when I have nightmares about it, which I probably will tonight. They’re the worst, because when you have normal nightmares when you wake up, they fade away and consciousness is a relief…but when I have flashback related nightmares…waking up is usually worse, because I know that I can’t escape it, whether I’m awake or not.
My demons are strong. The lies they say to me: “You’re a loser.” “You’re a failure.” “You can’t do anything right.”…over and over and over. I wrote a poem last August that I want to put in here….it doesn’t directly address my flashbacks because I didn’t start experiencing those until February of this year. But it does address my anxiety, depression, and emotional imbalance. It’s titled “I Wish.”
I Wish (written 8/30/14)
I wish I could let you know what it’s like inside my head.
I wish I could share with you the paralyzing, incapacitating fear that surges without warning, sinks in its claws, and rips away my smile.
I wish you could understand the force of the waves of my self-loathing, self-doubt, and my ugly self-image.
I wish that when the demons come to me, taunting, teasing, torturing, that you could hear them, too.
I wish that you could be with me in my nightmares of suicide.
I wish you could feel the weight of my despair, holding me down so heavily that sometimes I have to struggle just to breathe.
I wish you could understand my defeat, to instinctively know there is no way out.
I wish you could feel my pain, the never ending knife that continues to twist in my heart every minute of every day.
I wish you could live the confusion of a happy manic day, followed by the soul-crushing darkness.
I wish you could feel the blackness that surrounds me, begging, pleading for just a few tiny pinpricks of light.
I wish you would know that not one single ounce of this is your fault, and without you, I would already be dead.
And I wish you know just how much I’m counting on you to save me…again.
…so, yeah. I could write for a long time on the subject of how terrifying anxiety feels, how dark depression feels, how insane PTSD feels, how unfocused and frustrating ADHD feels, and how high strung and emotionally super short and fragile one becomes while balancing all of those plates. And that’s just me, pure, and simple, nothing else, no extra stress or bullshit added. Mainly because I don’t really want to go into all of that tonight. But it is dark, it is terrifying, it is insane, and it is frustrating. Just being in my brain, trying to just get through day to day with my roadblocks. How I make each day is truly a mystery.
But, in light of this, I’m going to try something. Something that I haven’t done in a very long time. Since all of these “roadblocks” came to light, I honestly don’t really know who I am anymore…the curse of wearing a mask of “okay-ness” for so long, is that one forgets who they are underneath. So, I’m going on a journey of self-discovery…and I’m going to do what I can to keep track of it here. How do I stay strong, I ask myself. I answer back, I have no fucking clue. *smh* someday, I’ll get the answers to my questions, and hopefully sooner rather than later. But, for now, I think I’ve made a good start. Things to think about, things to figure out…good things. I’ll report back in shortly.
I think that’s a good place to end this for now. I hope that this reaches those that are hurting, to know that they’re not alone, that there are others like me out here in the great firmament of space who want to share our stories and help each other any way we can. I hope to see you sharing and helping and healing, like I am. I’ll talk to you soon. Please, find your reason. Stay strong. ❤