Stuck

I don’t have words of encouragement for you today. I don’t have any tips, or ways to brighten your day. I’m here to just say, I get it. I understand the feeling of being stuck. Stuck in the gray cloudy haze that depression surrounds you in. Stuck in your head while your demons scream every nasty thing in the book at you. Stuck in exhaustion, and nothing in the world can perk/wake you up. Stuck in neutral, with no motivation to do anything. Stuck in that whirlwind of negativity. I get it. And, I get that it sucks. And, even more, I know that it hurts. It hurts so fucking bad, you feel as if you’re going to die, but you know you’re not, so you think that death is the only escape from the pain. I get it. I understand. I’m right there with you today. I hurt. I’m so tired, from fighting all of the demons, and from pretending I’m okay. I’m dizzy from spinning in circles, trying to see my way through the fog. I want to cover my ears and run screaming from the demons and their voices in my head….except they aren’t going anywhere. I get it. You are NOT alone. If there is anything uplifting I can say today, it’s that: You are NOT alone. I’m right here, stuck in the mud and shit with you, holding your hand. We may not get out of this today, but we will get out, hand in hand, together. We are NOT alone. We are here for each other. We’ll get through this…somehow…I promise.

I have given my depression the name of the Darkness. About a month ago, I was going through a pretty hard core depressive episode, and I wrote this poem.

The Darkness   12/3/15
Darkness. Darkness everywhere
Not the calm, friendly, warm-summer-night-with-a-full-moon darkness.
No, this Darkness is oppressive, smothering, chaotic, complete.
Monsters lurk in this Darkness.
Demons hide in this Darkness.
I stand there, naked, broken, bloodied.
Eyes wide open, yet completely blind.
The chains on my body are heavy, cumbersome things attached to large cinder blocks and heavy balls of iron.
A heavy leaden shirt is on my chest, pressing down.
Breathing is almost impossible.
My shoulders bear the weight of a metal board, laden with heavy bricks.
I am barefoot, standing on countless shards of broken glass.
I am lost in this Darkness.
I am trapped in this Darkness.
The Darkness will consume me, and I will die here.
Alone, lost, terrified, broken, numb…and invisible.

 

Like I said…I know what it feels like. It hurts. It sucks. And it’s hard to see the way out. But, there has to be a way out. Otherwise, what are we here for? We can find the way out of this muck and mud and shit and Darkness…together. Remember, you are NOT alone. Stay Strong. ❤

 

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