Lost

I wish you knew how lost I feel when the demons come. I wish you knew how hard they hit, how they tear away any shred of semblance of identity. I wish you heard how they laugh, in victory and spite, as they destroy me. I wish you could feel their claws as they dig into my skin, into my clothes, into my hair. I wish you could see the blood that rises to the surface, the tattered fabric, the matted locks that remain when they rip their claws away. I wish you could feel the cloud of darkness and negativity they bring with them. I wish you could feel their arrows of lies that hit my self-esteem, my self-worth, and my self-confidence. I wish you knew how absolutely unlovable they make me feel, how they bring up every mistake I have made in the past and play it on repeat, over and over, with the volume blaring, in crystal clear HD picture. I wish you knew how hard it is for me to hang on, to stand firm, to stay strong. I wish you knew how strongly I hold on to your name, your love, the memories of us, to hold me through the attacks. I wish you knew my pain. I wish you knew how hard it is, every day, to face my demons, to submit myself to their attacks, to wake up every single morning knowing that they will come again. I wish you knew, that without you, I wouldn’t. Life is pain. But life with you, is pain managed. I wish you knew how hard I fight to stay alive, to stay with you. I wish you knew that you are my single, solitary reason for fighting. And I wish you knew that one day, that won’t be the case. That one day, I’ll have plenty of reasons for fighting. I wish one day that I won’t even have to have reasons, because I won’t have to fight anymore. But until that day comes, I will fight, every hour of every day, to stay alive, to stay with you. I wish you knew how much you have saved me already. And I wish you knew this is what I mean when I say you save my life everyday.

 

Find your reason for fighting. Stay Strong. ❤

 

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