This morning, I prepared myself for the worst. I prepared myself to say good bye…or so I thought. My fiance had been prepped for back surgery, and they had come to get him to take him to the operating room. I let his parents and his daughter hug and kiss him before I took my turn. He held me tight, almost like he didn’t want to let go, he kissed me like it was the last kiss he’d give me, and he looked into my eyes, and said “I love you” like it was the most important thing he’s ever said to anyone. That, was when the terror that I might lose him, hit. And it hit hard. I thought I was ready. I thought that I had entertained that thought, had exhausted it to the point of near insanity. But I was wrong. Saying goodbye to him as he was wheeled away from me, looking back, was the single hardest thing I have ever had to do.
Just to let you all know, he made it through the surgery, and the surgery was a success. But 7 hours ago, I didn’t know that. 7 hours ago, I was watching the man I love, my reason for fighting these demons, the man who has saved me countless times, leave my sight, with my heart aching and the silent tears running down my face. I truly didn’t know what it was like to say goodbye to someone before that moment.
I’m so glad that that was not my final moment with him, that it wasn’t the goodbye I that it could have been. But, now I know what it means to truly say goodbye. It means, more than anything, putting your trust and faith in something bigger than you, trusting that something to take the person you love more than anything, and hold them tightly, and take care of them, because you can’t anymore, and it’s out of your control. Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t like not being in control, in terms of taking care of my loved ones. So, today was very, very hard. But, looking back, it was a wonderful bit of growth. My faith in the Goddess has been strengthened, as well as the depth of my love for my fiance. I stood strong in the midst of pure, unadulterated terror, and held tight to my Goddess, secure in the knowledge that She held him in Her hands, and that everything was going to be okay.
Thank you for reading this little glimpse into a very personal moment in my life.
Stay Strong. ❤